Why my anxiety controls me…

This is a weird one for me, and will probably be my most personal blog to date.

Anxiety is a huge part of my life, perhaps more so than I care to admit, and yet it is something I speak to no one (apart from the very rare few) about. Every single day, I think about it, differ from it, or make adjustments in my life in order to prevent or discourage it.

One of the reasons that I do not talk about it, is because I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed at how much control that it has over my life, and how much control I allow it to have. I find myself blaming my anxiety for things that I do not want to take part in, or throw myself into, and perhaps it is due to my anxiety, but it is also a very easy scapegoat.

I need to go back a few steps.

I had never suffered with any form of anxiety at all until the summer before I went to university when I was 18. I had my first panic attack whilst sat on the sofa, and I genuinely thought I was going to die. My chest seized, I had the sweats, I could not breathe, and it was truly horrendous. Until this point, like many people, I simply thought that a panic attack was a mental feeling, and I could not have been more wrong. It is so physical, it is petrifying. I was okay for about a week, not really knowing what was happening but then it hit me and I had about 2 weeks of not being able to leave the house, having multiple attacks every day and spending every second of the day fighting it. At this point, I did not think I would be able to go to university.

Well, I did go. I graduated in fact and have not let it hold me back from succeeding. However, it has never left me. I know people that have had bouts of anxiety and then are totally fine. For me, it has settled considerably but it is with me in some form every day.

I really do think (in a very patronising way!) that it is something that you cannot fully understand unless you have been through it.

I am scared that for my whole life I will be battling this and that there will be certain things (drinking, travelling, social situations) that I have to force myself to engage in despite freaking out inside.

I wish I could finish this post by saying that I have cracked it, and am fine , but unfortunately still looking for advice on this one!

 

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4 thoughts on “Why my anxiety controls me…

  1. Talasi Guerra says:

    I am blogging through my journey to overcome anxiety and fear right now. I really do believe it is possible to conquer this, but it has been a long road. If there is anything I can say that is of any value, I think it is just that talking about it–being open and honest about your struggles–is one of the most important steps on the journey. In doing so you realize that you’re not alone, and that you are stronger than you thought!

    Fighting this one with you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. luckybreak says:

    Starting a blog and hopefully will be able to be as honest and inspiring as you. I know what you are going through and its hard- but keep doing you and it’ll all get better.

    Like

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